The right thing hurts

It's the right thing. It's the best thing. It's what you've known you would have to do all along.

That doesn't mean it's easy.

Ever since I was about 11 years old, I started hearing about dating guidelines. Since my sister is years old than me, I've gotten to see everything you're supposed to be attracted and the things you should run away from as fast as possible. If a guy doesn't pursue you don't give him the time of day. if he's anything but republican throw him out the door. If he drinks, has tattoos, piercings, and doesn't have a job, don't look at him twice. 

The unsaid rule was that you never consider dating someone who isn't a Christian. That was obvious. 

I always told myself that would never be a problem. That I would find a great Christian guy. 

Last semester all of that changed...
I saw him across the classroom on the first day...I found him surprisingly attractive, surprising because I've never thought a blonde was good looking before. I implemented being aloof and mysterious and whatever crap I told myself, honestly i was just to freaked out to talk to anybody at the time. 
Eventually though it couldn't be avoided anymore. I remember the first conversation like it was yesterday, he was talking about how he had all this candy at his dorm and i was like..um...you should bring me some. and a week later, he did. 

Then we were hanging out and texting. He loves his parents, he loves disney, he played percussion, he *tried* to teach me marimba, he was republican, he was willing to go see Wreck it Ralph on a 1st date. He didn't think I was an idiot. He decorated my parking spot in the middle of the night. he tried to convince me that vanilla is better than chocolate. he took me to froyo for my first time ever. he helped me with theory. he helped me not fail my psych test. he played hang man with me during concerts. we talked...about everything. legitimately everything. he respected my physical boundaries. we held hands. i *tried* to teach him piano. he complimented me at all the right times...but never too much. we tried learning to play Moonlight Sonata together. we laughed a lot...i made a fool of myself and didn't care...

sounds wonderful right?

right. except for one small thing...he wasn't a Christian. 
In the first couple of weeks that fact nagged at my mind, but I was able to shelve it and bask int he wonderful sun of being with him everyday.

My friends didn't like it. they told me to be careful. but they didn't realize that I was kind of past that point, maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. Actually, nobody really knew how much time I spent with him, or how much we talked and "bonded". not my college friends, church friends, family...it was all just me. 

Long story made shorter, I eventually realized it wasn't right and we ended it. My heart hurts.  every time i see him. or see wreck it ralph posters, walk past Froyo, play hangman, eat skittles. 
Every couple minutes of the day I find myself wondering what would happen if i just went up to him and asked if we could forget what happened over winter break and just go back to the way things were. 

It's hard. Even though it's the right thing it's hard. and it hurts. don't take this and think, well if it ws that wonderful, and ending it was that awful...than I would've just kept it. the right thing is the right thing. 
Don't skirt around it just because it'll hurt. God can heal hurt. it might take time...but he will heal my hurt. 

I'm trying to fill my days with school, practicing, devotions, and other friends, but it's still hard. My friends know it hurt me, but they honestly don't know how much. I still wish something would change. I constantly wish i could let him know I miss him, I miss what we had. I wish i could tell if he misses it at all...but it would just make it worse. 

Life kind of sucks. yup. sucks has recently become a much used word in my vocabulary. hopefully it will go away soon...because I hate that word...

and so began my 2nd semester in college.